Skip to main content

Thinking Out Loud...

I don't want people to admire me.

I am not worthy of admiration. I am selfish, I am prideful, I am vain, I am judgmental, I am fearful. Anything that is good about me is only because of Jesus in me.

If you want to admire someone, admire Jesus, the One who has done this transforming work in me; the One who gives me the strength I have; the One who gave His life up to give me(and all of us) hope and joy and peace.

HE is the only one who is worthy of admiration and praise. So please, look at Him, don't look at me.

I am human, y'all. You may see someone who always appears to be strong...but while I trust God and have complete faith in Him and His goodness, I do have moments of doubt and fear. I have times when I can't hold it together, when I break down, when I fear the worst. I am not always strong.

Yes, sometimes my thoughts wander and my mind goes to bad places...and that's when the fear and panic creeps in, when I think too far ahead. I have to constantly remind myself to just live in the present moment, not worry about what tomorrow will bring, focus on the good, and trust in God's grace to get me through another day.

I also know that it's okay and that's it's normal to have those bad moments, just as long as I don't dwell on those thoughts and let them consume me. I know that it's good to release it and not to hold it all in, so that's what I do. I let it out, I cry if I need to...and then I let it go. I release it to God. I turn my thoughts to Him and remind myself of His truths and His promises. The only way to do that is to read His Word, meditate on scripture, and stay in constant communion with Him all throughout the day.

I do keep a journal, as it has always been therapeutic for me to write out my thoughts. I'm not big on talking to people about my feelings and emotions...I'd much rather write them on the internet for people to read. ;)  I also write down scriptures that encourage and speak to me, so that I can go back to them when I need to be reminded of God's truths.

No matter how my feelings and emotions fluctuate from day to day, or even moment to moment, one thing I know for sure is this: every day may not be great....but God is great every day.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Putting My Heart Out There

Hey guys. Here's where we're at right now: Matt finished his radiation treatments last week. Did they help? I don't know. He's sleeping a lot more. Having trouble chewing and swallowing. Not eating much. Not talking much, at least not in full sentences. It's just been a slow, steady decline for the last few months. I think it was really too late for radiation....But who knows, maybe it is delaying things. We went in last Tuesday for his infusion and talked with his neuro-oncologist about everything that we've been seeing with Matt, and he decided that we're at the point now where we should discontinue treatments...I feel like it's the right decision, even though it breaks my heart knowing that there is nothing else we can do. But I feel like we've done everything. All the supplements, the diet, the chemo, the radiation... Matt has fought hard. He never gave up hope. He kept the faith. He never complained through any of this. Not once did I hea
People always said That time would heal the pain But how can that be When mine still remains? The tears still fall At just the thought of you So I know that what they say Just can't be true As the years go by I miss you so much still  No matter how much time passes I know I always will How are you not here To ease my hurting heart? Never could I have imagined We would ever be apart My world has been shattered A piece of me is gone And all I can do is pray For strength to live on I know that one day soon I will see you again I just have to try to suffer through And make it until then

Why?

Why? Why do I care so much?  Why do I make sure they brush their teeth at night so that they don't get cavities? Why do I spend my own money to buy them clothes, toys and decorate their rooms, among other things?  Why do I do 5,000 loads of laundry a week to make sure they have clothes to wear to school? Why do I make sure they go to church on Sundays so that they'll be raised to know about Jesus? Why do I try to give them chores and responsibilities so that they will turn out to be decent human beings? Why do I read them a bedtime story at night, even when I'm exhausted? Why do I clean up after them constantly and cook for them and try to always have healthy snacks and food on hand? Why do I go to their sports games and practices, just to feel like the odd man out standing there awkwardly with their bio mom? Why do I give 100% of myself and make so many sacrifices for children I didn't birth? Only to be insulted and told hurtful things? To be made to feel like I'm